My God Encounter!!

Been thinking a lot about even blogging this just because, I don't know why.....Wonder what people will think or do or say.....But lately, I've just felt super strongly that I need to get this done.....So, here it goes.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read my other blog I posted on January 13th entitled "From my heart to yours". Pretty much everything I felt from my cousins death to a lot of other things that happened in the month of December.

Since then, a lot of other things have happened, some good, some bad, some ugly, some down right awful, things I wish never happened, but because of where I was in that point of my life, it did. Have I learned a lot? Yup, sure have. Buckle your seatbelt, it's about to get real.

Since posting that blog, I really thought I was "OK"......I kept telling myself I was, but in my heart I knew I wasn't. Lots of fears pouring over me, feelings of never wanting children because of watching my aunt Naomi mourn over this precious child who was killed, or one of my friends losing their daughter at birth....Just soooo many thoughts of something bad happening if we ever decided to have children. The devil used dreams to put more fear into my head. One of my worst fears is getting a phone call saying that one of my family members was killed, and in two months time, I had 4 dreams that 4 of my family members died, and the most recent dream I had was that we had twin boys and one of them died suddenly. I know that when we focus on things, a lot of times we have dreams about it, and I know that's what I was focusing on and I also know that the devil was abusing it, a lot. I was able to talk to some other people about what I was experiencing with my dreams and got a lot of encouragement. I tried really hard not to be afraid, but something inside wouldn't allow me to fully get over it.

Since January, I started becoming more and more angry, bitter, upset, unhappy, not really taking charge and getting into the word of God. I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to talk to God. I was hurt, broken, shattered, and at that moment I felt like He didn't care. But boy was I wrong. He would do little things to show me that He loved me, even if I was angry and bitter, even if I didn't read my Bible everyday, even if I screamed at Him because I was so MAD at Him. I spent many, many nights crying, bawling at our kitchen table because I didn't understand WHY Kody died......WHY my family? WHY did Kody die? Things I asked many, many times, feeling like I never got an answer, feeling alone in this journey of grief. Feeling hopeless, feeling empty. I remember being reminded by certain people to just dig into the Word of God, but honestly, I didn't want to because I was still so angry at Him. Someone told me to listen to worship music, and some days I did, and it felt somewhat good. Other days I'd just listen to sappy Country music, or other junk I never listen too, but i was angry, so I didn't care how it made me feel.

This part I'm not proud of, I hate it so much, but I also know that I need to be honest because I feel so strongly about this. There were lots of times I'd take my anger out on Caleb, say a lot of things that really hurt him, words I can never take back. Times I wished I wasn't even married because life just seemed so much better like that, he doesn't understand me, he never will. He doesn't care, if he did, he wouldn't be saying those things. If he really cared, he would say this or do that, but he didn't, so that means he doesn't care at all. ((sidenote, I look back now and realize that I'm learning things even to this day, it's Ok to have bad days, and when our loved one is having a bad day, we need to love on them, not fight back, give them space, give them encouragement *at the right time*, then talk about it)). I also know that this whole grief process is soooo different for each of us, no person grieves the same, some can move on faster then others, while for some of us, it takes weeks, months and even years. And you know what, that's OK. NO ONE can tell you how fast or slow to take this process, you do it in your own time.

There were days when I'd get my devotional out, just to read it, to see if there was even anything in there to "help" me get through the day, or to even see if God really cared. HA! He did, because every time I opened it, something always made me feel like God cared, He really loves me, so why don't I just quit feeling this way, and get over these feelings of fear and just say "OK GOD, I TRUST YOU, TAKE IT ALL????"....But then right away my head went to "NO, I cannot say, ok God, I trust you". Because if I did that, what if something bad happened, what if I say that and then I get pregnant and have another miscarriage, or something bad happens to our child when he/she is older, or what if something happens to a family member or a close friend....I just can't, I'm not ready. My heart wants to, so bad, but there's still just so much fear. I can't do this. So then I'd just keep being angry, bitter, sad, mad, angry at the world for whatever reason it was that made me mad that certain day. Anything set me off, crazy drivers on the road, the way people would look at me, everything. It was ridiculous because I would let "that" ruin my day and then I'd come home a grouchy mess. And then Caleb would say 'what's wrong babe?" and of course I'd say "it doesn't matter, you don't care anyways".....Jeez Krista!

For months I was back and forth, back and forth. I had a lot of people sending me messages, saying they're praying for me, or just even thinking about me, it really, really meant a lot to me. My friends here would say encouraging things, tell me that they were here for me if I ever wanted/needed to talk. I'd take them up on their offer, and it felt good to just "talk it out". I had been talking to Maggie Slabach a couple different times during this process of grief and about being back in Nicaragua. She always, always encouraged me, and I always felt better coming out of our talks.

There were times that I felt like I was going to be able to say "ok God, I'm ready, here I am, I give you everything", but then I'd get distracted and say maybe next time, maybe the next time I open my Bible something will stick out to me and that'll be it. But it didn't happen, something almost always came up or I just decided I still wasn't ready....

A couple weeks before Easter, I told Maggie that I wanted to talk to her, let her know what was going on with me and just really searching for some answers. It didn't work out for our schedules and they left for Costa Rica for a few days. They returned, and we had a team arrive on April 6th. Well on April 5th (Easter) it was a bad day for me, that was one of the days where I said a lot of hurtful things to my husband and I wish I could take them back. But I can't. On Monday, I stayed at home all day, the team arrived early during the day, I think right around lunch time, but I didn't want to show my face because I was super upset from everything that happened the day before and to be honest, I didn't even want to do media that week, but I put my big girl pants on and went into the base for dinner that night. I think (ok, duh, I know) my emotions were all over my face because I wasn't happy, I didn't want to be there. Nate and Maggie arrived and of course I got a hug, and we just chatted a little bit and she asked me when it worked to meet that week because she knew I had asked before when we could meet...Thinking in my head, I wasn't even sure it would work that week because I only had 3 days to get media and put together a video for this team, but I figured Tuesday (next day) would work because it was the first day in sites for everyone and normally it's a little slower on the first day, so I would probably not have a lot of footage to organize that afternoon. So I said, Tuesday after sites would work for me, lets just make it work. So, we did. It felt like EVERYTHING went wrong that day, people were being stupid on the road, I was late to things because traffic was messed up, I couldn't make it to certain sites because they were to far away for my vehicle to go (which is why I need a moped, hint hint CALEB). LOL. So yes, bad day. So I drop people off at the base from sites and Maggie arrived soon after I did. We grabbed some water and chairs and headed outside.

Thinking back before this meeting, throughout the day, I thought to myself, Maggie is so wise and full of encouragement, I'm pretty sure I'll walk out of this chat, feeling a little better, and have some tools to make things better in my relationship with Caleb on how we can work together during this grief process. Because it felt like all we did was fight over silly things that normally didn't matter, but because of what our family experienced, everything changed.

So, I started talking, pretty much about everything leading up to that day (past 3 months) and how I was feeling angry again, she asked me a lot of questions, and we just talked it out. One of the things I remember telling her was for the past 3 months, I've had this feeling of anxiety, my chest feeling so full, hard and at times like it was going to explode. Towards the end, she asked me if we should pray, of course I said yes, ((thinking she was just going to be awesome like always and pray for me)), but no, it was different this time, she told me to go ahead and start ((and in my head, I'm a little thrown off because I wasn't planning on praying at all)). So she said to just ask God the hard questions, He wants it all, tell Him all you're feeling.....So I did, I prayed, asking Him to help me get through this, told Him I don't understand everything, help me! Then Maggie began praying, powerful things, praying for the feelings of my anxiety to leave, the things that weighed me down, and as she was praying I felt this sensation in my chest, being lifted from my body, my chest NO LONGER felt hard, I could actually breath and not feel like it was going to explode. I've never in my life experienced that before, it caught me off guard and I wasn't even sure what was happening, but I knew something happened because I felt different, so I told Maggie what was happening, tears running down my face. I said Maggie, I just felt something HEAVY leave my body, my chest isn't hard anymore, PRAISE GOD, THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!! I prayed, thanking Him for that experience....Maggie began praying again, and then I prayed, asking God to take away my hurts, my pains, I said "Ok God, here I am, I give you everything. Maggie started praying, asking God to take away my feelings of fear, anger, bitterness, etc.....As she was praying, I got this sensation of those feelings dripping off my arms, like when a candle stick is burning, and the wax drips off the side, that was the picture I got after it happened. Again, I was taken back because I've never ever ever experienced anything like that before, it was powerful, the Presence of God was there, I could FEEL it. God took away those feelings, gave me PEACE, I felt happy inside.....WOW!!!!! Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. I remember being so overwhelmed, just rocking back n forth in my chair, all I could say was "wow, thank you God, thank you". Afterwards, we thanked God for that incredible life changing experience and hugged Going into this chat with Maggie, I never imagined it would end the way it did, LIFE CHANGING, POWERFUL, IMPACTING, PEACEFUL, HAPPY, FOREVER CHANGED!!!!

Not only did that amazing experience happen, I also got a lot of great tools to work with for working together in my marriage with Caleb and I, things to look out for, things to do and not to do when it gets emotional. I am forever grateful for that experience and I can honestly say that I'm a different person because of it, I don't feel angry, bitter, unhappy, lonely, full of anxiety, fear, NO....God took it ALL!!!!!! I am happy, my personal devotional times have been wonderful, every time it's always perfect, journaling what stood out to me, and spending time in prayer. I can tell a huge difference in how I react to things that normally bothered me and offended me before, it doesn't affect me like it used too. Wow, ONLY MY HEAVENLY FATHER CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!!!!! I've been told that people can tell a difference, they can see that I have peace. Caleb tells me that he can tell a difference, it's amazing. Prayer is so POWERFUL....

Don't get me wrong, there have been days where the devil tries to pull me down, and uses the people I love most, but I fight back and he's NOT going to win anymore, BECAUSE I HAVE VICTORY!!

Just the other day I was deleting pictures off my laptop because it's become super slow (I have over 10,000 pictures) and came across Kody's viewing/funeral. I hadn't cried about Kody since receiving that peace, but in that moment, I started crying, it was a different cry though, it wasn't because I was angry or bitter, it was because I was sad, broken hearted that Kody isn't here with us anymore. Everything about it just felt different, it felt good, it felt free. Yes, I miss Kody so much and some days it doesn't seem real, but i know he's in Heaven, playing with our little Angel Babies, and one day we will see them all again

I don't know if this will make sense, or whatever but I just felt super strongly that I needed to share this, so there it is.

If your struggling, please, find someone you can trust and talk to that person, tell them everything, don't hold anything in because it will just eat you alive and you'll be so miserable. Through Jesus Christ, YOU CAN HAVE VICTORY....

VICTORY

AMEN

April 7th will be remembered as a life changing experience <3 <3