"From my heart to yours"

Sometimes I dread thinking about writing on here, sometimes I enjoy it because I feel like I actually have something good to talk about. I get excited because I have some really cool pictures to share, and talk about what God is doing in Nicaragua or in our personal lives. This time, it's different..... What I'm going to talk about is my raw feelings\emotions of everything that happened in the month of December, raw feelings towards God, towards my husband, towards other people, about life. 

Our first week and a half back in the States was great, we met with our friends, hung out with our families, had my Yoder family Christmas the day after we got back from Nicaragua, it was wonderful. On Monday, December 15th I was walking out to my car, and seen my cousin Kody playing hockey with his school buddies (The school he goes to is right beside my parents house). So I seen him playing, enjoying himself, so I decided to yell his name.... "HI KODY"....He looks at me and yells back..."HI KRIS".....Little did I know that that would be the last time I ever seen Kody alive. 

Caleb and I were on our way to Mishawalka and my dad called, he asked for Caleb and I could tell the tone in his voice, something was wrong....He hung up and he didn't have to say anything, I knew something bad happened and it was serious, I said "CALEB, WHAT'S WRONG?...Is someone hurt?....He said yeah.....I said "WHO? Someone in my family?"....He said yeah........I said my sisters????.......No!!.....VERNS????? My heart is pounding at this point, I knew it was bad, because he couldn't even talk.....He said yes, I asked if it was Kody and he said yeah....I said "IS HE OK? IS IT BAD???????"....Caleb said yea......I said "CALEB IS HE DEAD?".....Caleb said (yeah)......... Ok, let me just say, that as I'm writing this, a lot of those feelings are coming back, it's hard typing this, my heart is pounding, and some of those raw feelings are here. I started screaming "NOOOOOOO, NOOOOO" This isn't real, this can't be happening, "NOT KODY, GOD PLEASE DON'T TAKE KODY, BRING HIM BACK GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE KODY, GOD WE LOVE KODY, PLEASE DON'T TAKE KODY, PLEASE GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE KODY". Anger began to settle in, I couldn't even say anymore to God besides begging Him to not take Kody, he's to young, he belongs with us. I kept trying to call my mom or dad, but my dad was stuck somewhere with his semi, some stuff wasn't going as planned, my mom was with Vern & Naomi at the accident site, trying to be there for Naomi. I wanted answers and I wanted them NOW. Finally my mom answered her phone and I started screaming into the phone..."WWWWHHHYYY MOM, WWWHHHHYYYY???" Over and over until I couldn't breath anymore.....She told me she had to go, because she needed to make more phone calls to let her sisters know...So she hung up and I called my other two sisters, and they were bawling..... I remember telling Caleb that I was DONE, I can't do this anymore, I was so angry at God, and I said I was DONE. God isn't good, He took Kody, I AM DONE!!!

We were about 15 minutes from being back home and my mom calls.....*They got a heart beat, PRAY!!* I remember screaming back into the phone saying "ARE YOU SERIOUS, OH MY GOD, THANK YOU"...... My cries to God changed, and I said OH GOD, THANK YOU, PLEASE LET HIS BRAIN BE OK, GOD, PLEASE, BREATH LIFE BACK INTO HIS BRAIN, DON'T LET HIM BE BRAIN DEAD, GOD PLEASE, DON'T TAKE KODY GOD".......I started doubting, because I knew that there's a certain amount of time that the brain can't be without oxygen, more doubt started coming in, but I tried to ignore it, I felt like I wasn't having enough Faith & Trust in God. I didn't want to get my hopes up only for it all to be thrown out the window. I kept begging God, please don't take Kody. We FINALLY made it home, mom called me to tell me that they were flying Kody up to Bronson Hospital in Kalamazoo. She gave me a list of things to go get at Verns to bring to the hospital. Katie, Kelsey, Kimmy and I headed up for the hospital. The ride up there felt like FOREVER.....We got to Vicksburg, and I just started praying again "God please don't take Kody, we love him, we can't live without him, please God, breath life back into his little body, he's ONLY 10 years old God, please don't take him". We finally got to the hospital, found where his room was.....My sisters went in first, I stood outside his door for about a minute, trying to catch my breath, preparing myself.....Nothing could ever prepare a person, seeing Kody's body laying there in the hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of wires, a machine breathing for him, his chest moving up and down, his warm body, feeling his heart beating in his chest....WHY KODY GOD? WHY? WHY MY FAMILY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? 

Naomi was holding Kody's arms, bawling. She was broken, shattered, her whole world, upside down, changed forever. Seeing my cousins weep, their hearts broken into a million pieces. We are so close, our family is tight, WHY GOD, WHY???!!!! I don't understand. God, HOW could you have let this happen??? Why didn't you save Kody???.......

By law, they had to keep Kody on life support for 12 hours. His older brothers were both gone, Zak was in Kansas, Jami in Thailand. That was another thing that really made me angry, WHY did BOTH of his brothers have to be gone, one half way around the world.....SERIOUSLY GOD?????......

I remember seeing people come in and out of Kody's room, some not crying, I would get very angry, thinking to myself...."How can you NOT cry during a time like this??? You don't deserve to be here because you aren't crying, you obviously don't care"....I wanted them to leave. They didn't deserve to be there. 

I was so angry the next couple days, I would lash out at my family, over something soo silly, or be upset about something that I shouldn't even worry about, things started affecting me in negative ways. I remember Thursday night (the 18th), I was talking to Caleb and my dad upstairs in the kitchen, laughing about something, and then the next minute, I'm bawling my eyes out, and storm downstairs, barely being able to breath, because I'm just weeping. Caleb tried to get me to take a shower and go to bed, but I couldn't, all I could do was sob. Finally I was able to settle down, take a shower and crawl into bed. It was so hard to fall sleep, my mind would play stupid head games, thinking of how Kody died. It was awful. 

Thursday morning, Zak finally arrived at the hospital. Friday afternoon Jami finally arrived from Thailand. Thursday afternoon (18th) the Doctor declared Dakota Jay Yoder *dead*. I felt like in my heart Kody died in that field, he was gone, but because the EMT's got a heart beat, there was that tiny bit of Hope that Kody could come back, he could be a MIRACLE and come back. But I knew in my heart he was gone. 

Early Saturday morning (20th) they took Kody back into surgery to take out his lungs, liver, pancreas, kidneys (two people each got one), intestines and heart. Kody saved the lives of 7 people. What an amazing Christmas gift he gave to those people. 

There was over 2,000 people at Dakota's viewing, hundreds of people at his funeral. This child was only 10 years old and he made an impact on so many people, young and old. It didn't matter if you were male or female, Kody loved everyone, he was so passionate about life, hunting, spending time with his brothers, with his dad, and of course spending time with his momma, they had such a special bond, Kody was always asking Naomi if she needed help with anything, made sure he picked up the heavy things, because Naomi has a bad back. Monday night (Dec 15th) Naomi took Kody hunting, they had a special time and Kody was sooo wanting to shoot a deer to impress him mom :) He made Naomi her birthday dinner on the night of her birthday, so many special things happened that month.

*Finally coming back to this.... I wasn't expecting to start feeling those emotions of everything once I started writing.....Back in Nicaragua now, it's been fine so far. Coming back to a house that was broken into and robbed while we were gone, actually found that out 6 days after Kody's accident, I felt like it was a God thing when we found out because we were actually with our pastor and his wife, so thankful for the words they spoke into our lives during that time. 

We got the call from our director that someone broke into our house, stole stuff, unplugged our fridge which caused A LOT of maggots and nasty smells, why they unplugged the fridge, no clue. But our director told us they went through almost everything. Of course he's not going to know what they took until we got there, but we knew they took Caleb's tool box and possibly some necklaces. Well, after I found this out, I was just in pure shock, like seriously God??????? First Kody, now our house.......I became a little bit more bitter. 

The day before we came home, I found out a friend I used to go to school with lost her first born daughter, she was stillborn, I felt like that was the last straw for me. I was so over everything, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out, how could God seriously be "good". How could God allow a 10 year old boy to die and be taken away from his family when they loved him so much, how could God allow this precious newborn baby girl to die, when her parents were so excited about this precious gift He gave them and them and then 9 months later, just take her..... I was so confused, shattered, broken, upset, angry, bitter.....Emotions I've never felt before, all happening at once and I was just numb. I didn't want to come back to Nicaragua, how could I? How could I come back here and say "God is Good" when that's the last thing I was thinking. At Kody's viewing, towards the end, a couple that I admire and am so thankful for, came up to me and I gave her a hug and just started bawling, I was struggling with the idea of going back to Nicaragua, and she had no idea, you know what she did? She started praying, praying for peace, peace to go back to Nicaragua and serve, and how I will use this experience to encourage other people, and so much more, I was just completely blown away at how she prayed for everything that I was struggling with and she had no idea, it's amazing how God uses people like that, even though I was still upset and angry at God, I wasn't ready to not be angry anymore. 

So, we get back to Nicaragua, Tuesday night (6th), first thing I checked was to see if the robbers really stole my necklaces, sure enough, both nails where I kept them on were empty, I lost it, I fell to my knees and lost it, I didn't understand any of why this had to happen, I know that it's material stuff, but those necklaces meant something to me, my very first necklaces Caleb ever got me to the last one he got me for my birthday this past year, to ones my parents gave me, Jagger got me one for Christmas a couple years ago, special things. That night it was hard for me to sleep, every sound I thought was someone trying to break in, of course your brain makes you think you hear something when it was just the wind or a stupid bird. So the next morning, we got up, kinda did a walk through and realized they took a lot more precious items....

*My camera bag with a $400 lens, everything else that was in it.

*Tripod 

*Hair dyer

*Caleb's guitar (This made me even more angry, because he was passionate about becoming better)

*Jewelry box

*Clothes, shoes

*Flash lights

I know it's material things, but everything meant something, and thinking about how strangers broke into our *house*, went through our things, trashed it, raided our fridge before unplugging it and making everything spoil and rot and get full of maggots, seriously. JERKS!!!!! 

Wednesday night there was Prayer Time at Nate & Maggie Slabach's house, during the day I told Caleb I didn't want to go, I didn't want to be around people, let alone spend time praying. Well Caleb said that we needed to go, so I put on my big girl pants and went, definitely had a bad attitude towards it, but I'm so glad I went because that night, everything changed for me. Nate shared a few things that really opened my eyes and made me realize a lot, we sang songs that were perfect for what I was going through....Something that Nate shared that really stood out to me was the woman who poured her most expensive perfume over Jesus's head. God wants us to take all our dreams, desires, goals, feeling, emotions and put them in this jar and give it all to Him, those words hit me and thats when I knew I needed to give everything to God because being angry, bitter was painful, it's not pleasant and I was tired of it all. So, I put it all in a jar and gave it to Jesus, since then, I can't even begin to tell you the peace I have, I know that Kody is in Heaven and one day we will see him again, dealing with the separation is HARD, but death does NOT win, because we live FOREVER in eternity with Jesus Christ!!! Yes, I still have my days where I see a picture of Kody and I cry, I will have those days, but I'm not angry anymore, God has given me that peace and I am so thankful for it. 

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life since Kody's accident, peoples prayers I have truly felt <3 THANK YOU!!!! 


Some of my favorite pictures of Dakota, there's sooo many more I could share, but these are some of my favorite. 

This was taken at our Yoder Family Christmas. It was by far the best Christmas ever!!

A picture that I took a couple years ago for Vern & Naomi's Christmas cards. 

Dakota Jay Yoder 2014-2015 school picture <3 

A picture taken by Naomi's 1st cousin Gina Stauffer, her son Jeffery (who's one of Kody's good friends) seen this *upside down RAINBOW* and said Look mom, "Jesus is smiling because there's another boy up there!

What kind of life are YOU living? Are you passionate about something? Kody was, it showed, he loved being outside, he loved helping his mom in the kitchen, or his dad working out in the shop, or hunting with big brother Jami and driving combine with big brother Zak. Kody loved life and this kid impacted so many people, if you knew Zak or Jami you always found out about Kody because he was so important to them and he loved tagging along whenever he could. 

Lets remember to spend time with family, tell them you love them, speak words of encouragement to each other, give hugs, ask them how their doing, never ever take your family for granted <3 <3 

In our Hearts forever "Dakota Jay Yoder".